I like to describe limiting beliefs as sort of the cartoon of a little devil standing on your shoulder whispering in your ear what you should do that is most likely not in your best interest. Limiting beliefs are similar in such a way as they are the little voices you hear that keep you form doing something new, something outside of your comfort zone, or even something that can make a huge difference in yours or the life of someone else in a positive way.

 

Often times I get an idea that I should try something new and different, take a chance and boom, a wee little voice in my head says, “What are you thinking? You don’t know anything about how to do that. You know if you try it you will fail.” Much like this blog, when I decided that I was going to put this together and allow my thoughts to be seen by anyone who wants to see them, that little voice popped up and said, “You are crazy, what do you know about blogging? What makes you an expert in anything, you are going to make a fool out of yourself.” Well, guess what? Here it is, the start of a blog. I am stifling that little voice and starting bravely to put my thoughts and ideas out in the public.

 

Where do these limiting beliefs come from? Although I can’t specifically pinpoint the origin of these belifs, I can comfortably say that many come from our parents. They come from a time when our brains were young and quite formable, we started to hear them. Many times, it was not out of malice that these ideas were expressed to us, they were not said to harm us but rather to protect us from harm. “Mommy, let me cut my meat, ‘No dear, you will cut your finger off.’” These may be the start of a belief that you will never be good at using power tools. “Daddy, take off my training wheels, ‘No son, you will fall and hurt yourself.’” This may be why we are afraid to try something challenging where harm may be a possibility, but a real joy could be realized if we did try it.

 

How can we overcome limiting beliefs? First off, remember from an earlier post that our beliefs are always negotiable. We need to replace limiting beliefs with our own beliefs…beliefs that are based on our values, morals, knowledge, and experiences. Limiting beliefs are based on someone elses ideas and systems of understanding, not ours. When you are faced with dealing with a limiting belief, take a moment and reflect on how this belief came to be and is it really in alignment with our selves as we know our selves, or are we behaving in a manner that is based on how others would behave. You need to own your own set of beliefs and not be tethered to the beliefs of others.

More often than we realize, we are talking to ourselves. Think about the statistic I just shared with you about the number of thoughts we have each and every day…this is talking to ourselves. There is an old joke that goes something like, “Why do you talk to yourself so much? Because, I enjoy intelligent conversation.” But, if we look at the statistics again that are provided by Miss Hawthorne, 80 percent of all our thoughts are negative in nature, so can we really say this is intelligent conversation?

 

Once a thought enters our mind and gets into our subconsciousness, it embeds itself deeply, takes root and flourishes quite well. In fact, many of these thoughts never really go away, they linger quietly until the most opportune time for them to raise their heads and derail our self confidence and undermine our best laid plans. How can we then filter or eliminate negative self-talk? I do believe that working towards seeing the good in as many situations rather than the bad is indeed one of the best ways to do this.

 

A tool that is was introduced to me a number of years ago is something called “Now Awareness.” “Now Awareness” is a simple practice of disrupting your thoughts by distracting your mind onto other things. Here is an example of how to put this to work. When a negative or unwanted thought enters your mind, you immediately start naming things that you are currently aware of around you.

 

Here is an example, My unwanted thought is, “I am not very good at communicating,” as soon as I identify this as an unwanted thought, right away I start listing what I am aware of in my surroundings. The list may include things such as, “I am now aware of the birds singing in the distance, I am now aware of the sunshine on my face, I am now aware of the people visiting around me, I am now aware….” I think you get the idea. Continue to announce to yourself the things that you are now aware of that can replace the unwanted thought and continue doing so until the original thought is no longer your point of focus. If you are comfortable in doing so, you can even say the things you are now aware of out loud, as this will make a stronger impact of disrupting your original thought.

 

You can also try to change the negative thought into one that is positive in nature, instead of thinking you are not good at communicating, such as the example used above, turn that thought around into “I am good at communicating,” “ I communicate quite well, I do it all the time.” Or, instead of “I can’t solve this problem,” try stating the positive thought of “I will find a creative way to solve this problem, just like I have done in the past with other problems.” Sometimes just putting a positive spin on a negative thought can be a great tool that you can use to undo the harm that a negative thought can have on you.

It is vitally important that we spend some time and think about the thoughts we think. That may sound a bit like Dr. Seuss, but nonetheless these are some items to consider.

 

As I mentioned earlier, Jennifer Read Hawthorne mentioned that on average, we think about 12,000 to 75,000 thoughts per day. It is also understood that of these thoughts, about 98 percent of them are the same thoughts as we had just the day earlier. Even more interesting is the idea that about 80 percent of the thoughts are negative in nature. According to an article by Mayo Clinic, thoughts have the ability to greatly affect our personality and optimistic and pessimistic thoughts can affect our overall health and well-being.

 

Our thoughts come from myriad different origins and stimuli and we will take a peek at a few of them being: Self-Talk, why we think what we think and the affects those thoughts have on us. Limiting Beliefs and how the things that we have been told or have grown to understand as a truth came to be. Attitude, how our attitudes and emotions present themselves even when we might prefer they don’t. Affirmations and how we accept compliments, build our confidence, and are allowed to feel good about what and who we are. Finally, we look at confidence and how we can use all of the above components to improve our level of confidence and also see how these same items can produce an unwanted affect when not properly utilized in our lives.

 

A quick exercise to get us in the correct state of mind to consider things such as thoughts, I want you to get comfortable, close your eyes and just allow your thoughts to start flowing. As you do this, make a mental note of what types of thoughts you are thinking, are they related? What is the overall mood of your thoughts, are they mostly positive or negative? Do you find your thoughts come quickly and fade just as quick or do you dwell on them for a while? Are your thoughts relevant or foolish, real or imaginary? Do your thoughts excite you or do they make you drowsy? Take a few minutes to do some thinking and then try to remember back on this experience and see if you can identify some type of relationship, pattern, or process. Jot down some of your findings and keep them handy as we start to peer a little more deeply into some of the processes of thoughts.

What Brings You Peace/Anxiety

In a similar way that we looked at what allows us to be happy/sad, we need to also look at what it is that brings us peace and or anxiety. Unlike happiness or sadness that affect our mental mood, peace and anxiety are processes that can and do affect our physical well-being. These are things that can be beneficial or detrimental to our overall health. A life lived in constant anxiety will produce a life filled with medical ailments such as depression, high blood pressure, a higher risk of heart disease, and even an increased risk of heart attack and stroke. It also leads to a less than personable disposition. Just stand two people, one with high anxiety and the other with a sense of inner peace, side by side and compare their physical appearances. I do not doubt for a minute that you would choose to live like the one with inner peace.

 

Let’s look at what we can do to bring a greater sense of peace into your life and at the same time decrease the level of anxiety you are experiencing. Peace comes from not only a feeling of well-being but from external factors too. Anxiety also comes from internal and external stimuli. In the list below, compare the feelings of peace with the feelings of anxiety and see what side you are on. Using this list, what activities or thoughts can you use to bring more peace into your life?

 

 

PEACE	ANXIETY
Thankful	Worry
Joy	Frustration
Love	Fear
Hopeful	Despair
Gratitude	Agitation
Healing	Depression
Fellowship	Loneliness
Tranquil	Scared
Success	Failure
Appreciation	Overwhelmed
Ease	Panic

 

When we look at things that bring us peace and anxiety, we will often find that the causes are related to their alignment or mal-alignment to our values, morals, and beliefs. When situations that arise are in agreement with our values, morals, and beliefs, you will find that you are in harmony with them and you will experience peace. When situations go against our values, beliefs, and morals, we will become stressed as we try to bring them back into alignment with our self. Remember, that are values and morals are the most deeply rooted and being such are the things that we will less likely not be willing to violate. Beliefs are always negotiable and as such it may be something we should consider as a cause of our anxiety. Have we acquired new information or knowledge because of a certain experience, and now need to adjust our beliefs to reflect this new epiphany. Remember that paradigm shifts are necessary to keep up with the changes that keep us informed and in sync with the world around us.

 

The next time you find yourself in a high anxiety situation, take time to reflect on just what it is that is causing the anxiety. Reflect on how it agrees or disagrees with your values, morals, and beliefs. Keep in mind that you are allowed to have your own ideas and beliefs and that you do not, in any way, have to bend or conform to something that doesn’t sit well with you. If you do you will actually create greater conflict within and as a result experience even more anxiety. You are allowed to have your own thoughts, ideas, and beliefs, regardless what the world view may be. Be in peace with yourself!

What Allows You to be Happy/Sad

As I looked at naming this section, I wasn’t sure if it should be “What Makes You Happy/Sad.” So many times we are reminded that it is ourselves that are given the charge of making us happy. We can’t rely on others to provide this special feeling but rather it is entirely dependent upon ourselves to choose to be happy, or sad for that matter. So, I am standing on my decision to choose the word “allow” to be the operative. I would be ignorant to believe that nothing externally can affect our mood, the smell of fresh flowers, birds in the spring, or even the first freshly fallen snow, all have the ability to positively affect our mood and as such, allows us to experience a greater sense of happiness. The true can be said of the emotion of sadness too. We can’t point the finger of blame to people for the main and sole reason for us being unhappy or sad, but again events can lead us to being sad. The loss of a loved one, news of an unexpected health problem, or even an emotionally charged film can increase the feeling of sadness we encounter. When you are faced with things that make you unhappy, there are four questions that you can ask that may help you overcome those negative feelings: Is what is happening to me within my control? Is it something that I can avoid? Is it something I can change? Or, is it you? Most often you will find that you have more control of the situation than you thought you did. Sometimes it is just a simple change of your negative mindset to one that is more positive and productive. Notice that I said simple, do not confuse that with something that is easy, if it were easy to do, no one would experience the negative emotions and consequences they impose.

 

I am not one that believes that we should charge our unconscious mind with negative thoughts or damaging self-talk, but rather that we concentrate more on only allowing positive thoughts and self-talk to be the message our mind receives. When it comes to information and messages that our mind receives, we tend to be our biggest enemy. Nobody is harder on us than we are on ourselves. We need to be extremely proactive to monitoring the self-talk we feed our brains. It is said that even if the thought is not uttered out loud, the seed of a negative thought once planted in the sub-conscious will grow for an eternity. According to the online article, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your World © 2014 by Jennifer Read Hawthorne

 

“We humans, it seems, have anywhere from 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. But according to some research, as many as 98 percent of them are exactly the same as we had the day before. Talk about creatures of habit!  Even more significant, 80 percent of our thoughts are negative.” If 80 percent of our thoughts each and every day are negative, that is an incredible amount of negative seeds that we sow into our subconscious mind over a lifetime. Doesn’t it make sense that we need to work diligently to change that pattern?

 

What is it that makes you smile first thing in the morning? Is it the face of your spouse? The puppy lying quietly on the bed? The birds singing outside your window? The warmth and comfort of your bed? Take a moment to discover and ponder on the less apparent things that bring you happiness not only in the morning but throughout the day and at the end of the day.

 

I challenge you to take some time and reflect on some of the things that we can consciously do to allow more happiness into our lives. I want you to write out ten things that you can personally do each day to infuse an extra dose of happiness into your life. These don’t have to be huge things, but rather simple things that are easily found. Write them down and then you will be more apt to experience these little happy pills on a more regular basis.

 

1.____________________________________________________

2.____________________________________________________

3.____________________________________________________

4.____________________________________________________

5.____________________________________________________

6.____________________________________________________

7.____________________________________________________

8.___________________________________________________

9.___________________________________________________

10.__________________________________________________

 

Because we have the ability to think into existence what we want to have, this little exercise will allow you to more readily notice the little things in life that allows you to have more happiness.  You will also notice that it is easier to find joy in the small things every day.

Beliefs

Beliefs are different than values, where values help to define the attributes that make us who we are, beliefs are what we hold to as being understood as true. Beliefs are not as deeply rooted as values and we can much more easily change or adapt our beliefs to new information or experiences. We can have very strong beliefs but know for certain that all beliefs are negotiable. Often as we age, and gain knowledge we change our beliefs in support of new evidence. Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are prime examples of change in beliefs.  We would never criticize a child for believing in either of these, we find that there is good to be found in the child learning for him or herself the truth of the matter.

 

As we think about our current belief system, reflect back on what it was that led us to these beliefs in the first place, where did they come from, how they were developed, and finally what occurred that made them change, if they have.

 

Morals

Although many would place morals into the same category as values, I believe it deserves a separate distinction. Morals are both taught and learned, and can be a very strong influence in our lives. Morals are often thought of as being brought forth from religion and form the basis of ethics. I am not aware of ever having met anyone who has a high standard of morals that doesn’t display a high sense of ethics, they tend to go hand in hand. I like to think of morals as coming from within and ethics being the external display of morals. Morals are vital in defining and shaping you into a person of integrity, a person of authenticity, and a person worthy of trust.

 

Morals can be, and for the most part need to be an unshakable part of your being, something that you are not ashamed of defending. There will be people that will argue your position, but rest assured that it is perfectly fine to stick to your morals. Morals belong to you, and your ability to display your morals are far more important than explaining their existence.

 

 

 

Values, Beliefs, Morals: The Three Building Blocks of Your Foundation

As mentioned previously, the fundamental building blocks of our personality include our values, beliefs and morals. Let’s take a distinct look at each of these and see how the work together to make us the person we are.

 

Values

Values can be describes as the attributes that define us as a unique individual. These attributes come mainly from who raised us and how. Our parents, like it or not, have a huge influence on who we become and our stem family supports that influence. It may even be said that we inherit certain attributes from our parents and these are reinforced by our family.

 

Think about some of the earliest lessons you learned and how they were taught to you. One of the first things that most toddlers learn is “no” and “mine.” These responses help to defend us and preserve things that are valued by us. No sooner than we learn these words, our parents correct and teach us “yes” and “share.” At this point we have two options, obey and learn the lesson the easy way or disobey and learn the lesson the hard way. Think back to how many of your lessons that you had to learn the hard way.

 

The next point to discuss is how willing we are to learn. There is probably no deed that you have done that hasn’t been done by someone in the past. Another of the first warnings we teach children is “HOT.” We are not the first one to have touched something hot and got burned, but we have all been burned at one time or another, some of us several times even. Why can’t we learn from others experiences, why must we learn these things first hand? Is our experience of “HOT” different from others? If we are reluctant to learn from the experiences of others, we must at least be open to learn from our experiences, if not, we won’t be long for this world.

 

What values do you still hold onto that you were taught as a child? If you were brought up in a kind and loving home, you are most likely a kind and loving person. If you were raised in a dysfunctional home you probably have or are dealing with some issues of dysfunction in your own life. Family traditions are something that we learn when we are young and cling tightly to as we get older.

 

Think too of some of the values that you have made a conscious decision to discontinue. You may have had a parent or family member that dealt with addictions and observed first-hand the devastation that behavior of that type caused. You too may have dealt with addictions and have found strength in recovery to change something that was common into something that is now forbidden. Remember, that choice is yours to make.

 

How strong are the values you cling to? Are your values deeply rooted? Do you know why they are your values? Do you honor your values at face value or do you doubt them at times. Only you have the right and ability to adjust or change your values. Like the exercise I challenged you with in the introduction, I challenge you now to do the same and identify and list your values. Look closely at them and determine if they truly are yours or if you are just abiding by another’s set of values.

 

1. ________________________________
2. ________________________________
3. ________________________________
4. ________________________________
5. _______________________________

 

Keep this list at hand and add or subtract to it as you work through this process of mapping your journey.

chapter one—know yourself

For many, one of the most difficult people that we can get to know is ourselves. We struggle sometimes to be able to define who we are, what we stand for, and what it is that makes us the truly wonderful and unique individual we are.

 

If you are going to travel a long distance with someone, wouldn’t you want to know as much about the person you will be spending this much time with as possible? How well do we actually know ourselves? We spend more time with ourselves than any other person or group of people in the world, but yet do we truly know this particular person? To prove this point, take five minutes right now and write down your top ten strengths.

 

1. ________________________________
2. ________________________________
3. ________________________________
4. ________________________________
5. _______________________________

 

If that was a simple task, then congratulations, you have a great understanding of who you are and what makes you a unique individual. If this process was a little daunting or if you felt uneasy or uncomfortable doing this, then you need to realize that getting to know yourself is one of the greatest explorations you can make.

 

Think about how hard it would be to introduce someone that you don’t know very well, you will probably have difficulty telling others who they are, what they do, what they stand for, and myriad other bits of information that would be useful to the person you are making the introduction to. Hopefully you will at least be able to get their name pronounced correctly. It is the same for ourselves, we need to be able to describe who we are and what we stand for in no uncertain terms. We need to have an elevator pitch (a thirty to sixty second commercial about ourselves) ready to present to others about ourselves. There are many things that contribute to making us just who we are. Some of these are engrained into us at a very early age, others are developed very slowly over time. Our parents, family, friends, and acquaintances help to form the person we are. Whether these components are right or wrong, we are who we are and we have to work with what we have. Somethings about ourselves we won’t ever want to change, yet others we may want to make improvements on.

 

We will take a look at our values, beliefs, and morals and see how these fundamentals are the foundation that we build the person that we are upon. We will also see that what allows us to be happy and or sad and what brings us joy or anxiety also become part of who we are at a foundational level.